I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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