I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
