I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
As shirtless as possible
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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