OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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