I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
my liver is dry heaving
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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