Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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