I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
