shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize