Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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