I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
