I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
