easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
