weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
