My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
