I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
