There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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