I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
