So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My dick has a subreddit
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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