According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
