Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
