Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
