How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
