My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
