I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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