Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
