you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
