not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
