There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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