Kiss
Puke
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Drunk is not a location!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
