Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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