i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
this just has baby written all over it
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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