....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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