I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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