Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
