I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
