I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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