Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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