The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
