Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
