Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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