I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My breasts were aching with rage.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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