she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
