My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
