After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
