I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
