You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I love having hate sex.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
