So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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