"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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