I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
