Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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