i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
