Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
