Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
