I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
