The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
