u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
