you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
