think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
