I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
