Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
