I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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