One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
