Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
